Vicious Cycle
Vicious cycle – when we feel unsupported by our partner, disagreements rise and very soon satisfaction with our relationship plummets. For fathers especially, this drop in satisfaction can affect their involvement with their child. This insight is especially important for couples when they become parents in helping then to understand how their couple relationship affects their relationships with their child.
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Pixiponk on 18 February 2009 at 6:40pm said...
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Pixiponk on 18 February 2009 at 6:40pm said...
This comment has been removed by the Talk It Out Team
This comment has been edited by a member of the "Talk It Out" team
Pixiponk on 18 February 2009 at 6:40pm said...
What if the 'Dad' does not get to see his own children and so even though he loves her feels guilty when he spends time with my child? Because of his current situation regarding his ownchildren, I wouldn't dream of asking him for more support, and this makes him feel guilty again because he feels he should be supporting me more.
Anonymous on 19 February 2009 at 11:12am said...
Why does he not see his own children? Depending on the reason why he can not see his own children could ultimately control how you progress. If he has been unffairly stopped perhaps seeking avice to put this right would help. In turn you supporting him in this will gain support back in theory. Be careful though often what we are told is not always what really went on. Love can blind our judgement, but if all the facts, (and that means not listening to others, especially family, for as much as they may offer advice or history may not alwasy be factual or right).. Even if it is just a case of listening to start with. Having someone who is prepared to just listen can be very helpful and a starting point. Then if he really wants to have a relationship with his children ask him whether perhaps mediation with his ex partner may help, if not perhaps a contact centre to start off with and build on. Tell him not to feel guilty for loving your child. If he gets access again with his childenmake sure he spends quality time with them. This means rebuilding a good healthy relationship with them where no one else is intially involved. This may take time, but it is important. Avoiding recentment or too uch confusion is really important when trying to rebuild a happy relationship with your children, and in the long run will have good sarting grounds to then bring you both in. When a time comes then they will all mix and yourself, but again slowly. He has to reassure his children that he still loves them and that when himself and their mum split it was in no way either of them loved the children less. He needs to tell them that both parents will provide them that it was better for the children they did not carry on as they want them to be brought up happy and ultimately if the parents stayed together this would not of been the case. You also need support, you sound like a very caring individual, but if this all happens you will both need to support one another as it can be even harder on you. Keep possitive and keep talking with each other, be honest but gentle. The children could all end up having a wonderfull fullfilling relationship with you all and no guilt will be felt only satisfaction that you are lucky to have such a great exteneded family life. It is a very gradule thing so please make sure he does not rush it. He has a family, that is you, your daughter(who is now a very important part of his life also, I am not sure if she is his also, either way she is now his too), and his other children. It maybe seperate to start with but overtime it will fill like one big family if you all work hard together. Your daughter desserves to be loved too, he should not feel guilty for this, perhaps he does because he may feel his not done enough to get to see his other children, I am not sure of the full situation. Overall you both ned to be supportive of each other, sometimes one may seem like they need more than the other, but it can be tough giving so much emotional time and love if you may feel you need it to and its not there. Best to try talking but being careful by thinking through what you want to say and how to say it. You sound very kind and very supportive too. Address what makes him feel so guilty and is there anything that can be done to change this. I have based this all on personal experience, hope in someway it helps. I wish you well.Good luck.
cherry100 on 22 June 2009 at 10:58am said...
It is the dad who is criticising me, the mum, we have 2 kids, one is doing exceptionally well academically, the older not so well, my husband pointed out that I was being too unsupportive of her, I have changed my behaviour and started being more supportive, but it isn't enough. My youngest daughter (11) allows me to help her when she has a problem with her studies, we play games, we have a laugh, she gets good grades, at first she felt uncomfortable as she felt some pain with overcoming things that she found difficult, but now she has a bank of experience to fall back on, eg 'I got over that and that was difficult at first, so I can get over the next hurdle'. My oldest (18) doesn't behave like this, she pushes me away and keeps saying that I am not encouraging her, whereas her dad would.
Her dad only comes home one weekend every 2 weeks. He criticises me for Ellie doing badly and gives me no praise for Ruby doing well. He hasn't aknowledged that I have changed my behaviour with Ellie.
Things are much more troubled than this, my husband refuses to talk to me, says he doesn't know if he loves me anymore, is doing everything for the children. This has been going on for about 4 months, I lost my job 4 months ago too through no fault of my own. At a time when we should be supporting each other he is rejecting me, says I have no ambition. Before we met I had my own house, now I have a share in a house in Spain in the middle of nowhere. He wont sleep with me, kiss me, touch me, it all seems so sudden, a year ago we seemed so happy, both working, both experimenting with pleasing each other sexually (we watched a program on sex after marriage and became inspired).
Our children have choices, they choose their own clothes and ahve done since they could point, they don't have to tidy up their rooms but they have to respect the communal spaces, they do some jobs around the house, small things that I started off very very gradually, they both play musical instruments, they have a healthy diet and are not overweight, they are angels when they go to other peoples houses, but are very expressive in their own home, which is good, they have a gr8 sense of humour. We (the parents) have facilitated this in our children, I think he is a gr8 dad and I am a gr8 mum, not perfect but that doesn't exist and would be detremental as we have to prepare them for the outside world which isn't full of totally supportive people.
is my husband having a midlife crises? why is he behaving like this? He talks about being in his cave, I think the cave analogy is very sexist, little boys have been to taught not to express their emotions. Also, how long can he be in his cave 4 months is a very long time, also, I appear to be the only one who isn't allowed in his cave, I am the only person he is shutting out.
basbo on 22 September 2009 at 4:06pm said...
this sounds familiar .