Cookies on The Couple Connection: The couple connection uses cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. If you continue to use the couple connection, we will assume that you are happy to receive all cookies from this site.

Understanding friends and family

Tags: Affairs, marital affairs, marriage affairs, affair, married affair, having an affair, jealousy, jealous, cheating, partner, cheating spouse, unfaithful, trust, trust issues
Categories: Friends & Family

When we decide we want to improve our relationship we’ll begin by identifying the area of our relationship that isn’t working well or the issue that seems to cause trouble between us and our partner.

Exploring these areas and issues - what’s going on in our relationship - is the first stage in the helping process.

But if we want things to change we need to move to the next stage of the process - to get a clearer understanding of what’s really going on.

At One Plus One we have over 30 years experience of studying couple and family relationships - finding out from ordinary men and women why relationships matter to them, how their relationships work, why they sometimes go wrong and how they coped when they did.

In starting to explore aspects of your relationship you have checked out the issue of friends and family.

Our friends and our families can be real sources of strength for our relationship. But we can also feel that our partner’s relationships with others, their friends and their family, undermine their connection to us.

Through our work at One Plus One we have created - the relationship insights - these will help you to understand more about why the issue of friends and family is concerning you at this time and how you might improve things. The Relationship Insights will help you to understand:

  This was of help to 100% of people  

Comments

  • User-anonymous Freya56 Flag

    After 31 years of trying to get my husband to understand the needs of others came before his needs he came home after three years of rehab after MRSA caused his spinal cord to be partially severed I know that it was three years of very hard work on him to learn to walk with out feeling in his legs. and I knew that Prior to MRSA he felt that me, his father and our friends stole his life through blackmail from me, and the use of intimidation and force for 24 years. To just keep him from using his seniority to take whatever he wanted in holidays, vacations and time he could have off as well as sex in our marriage. It was an impossible situation to find some middle ground for him over the needs of others> ever5ything we suggested for instance for a vacation from January the second to February the 14th was though of as something my husband spit on to keep out of the way for needs of others. It was suggested he just use that time as a replacement for holidays and weekends that somebody was needed to work. so it ended up from June first 1985 the day he arrived home from the navy to October 24th 2009 he only had six days off around a brain surgery in 2001 at the end of July to remove a tumor off the top his brain stem. He was just so argumenative and defiant about his seniority rights under the contract he started having fist fights in support of his rights, he never was hurt but others went to hospitals despratlly hurt to the point to get him to just shut up and do as instructed his father and his friends did something illegal for years by intimidating him into work on vacations he wanted and holiday and weekend with shotguns and pistols pointed at him. everyone determi9ned if he was allowed one thing he wanted never would he do any thing else that was needed. Then the three hard years after he was discovered running a 102 degree temp passed out at his job I had only talked to him for less than an hour since the scene in may in the airport, He had put his boarding pass and paid reservation in his laptop case when he left the week before we were to go on the orient express for work, His father came in and took his paperwork and passport out and said I would get the cash and to keep my mouth shut until we were about to board, We were hoping that his anger would not show in a public place over the theft his father wanted a newly wed couple from where my husband worked to have the slot for their honey moon it was another case of if my husband took his now five weeks vacation when he wanted it was going to shoot somebody else with less seniority out of a slot they needed more than my husband, We were wrong about the public place. We were getting ready to give our paper work to board when my husband taped me on the shoulder and took me out of line asking what had I done with his I said I had the cash to give back to him when we came back and his father had his passport. He would get it back as we boarded as his father said. He said he had not had a vacation since 1978 and was not paying for my ninth one if he was not going. His father grabbed a couple of TSA agents and had us taken to an office Where my husband was yelling he wanted my boarding pass and reservation to trade back in
    then he wanted both his father and me arrested for grand theft. Before TSA could react he Yank my shoulder bag of my shoulder dislocating my arm Rifled through it for every bit of cash credit cards my boarding pass and reservations.. His father walked up and hit him square in the face and found himself held by his throat with his pockets ripped down to his knees getting his passport back. I boarded without cash with my arm in a sling His father could not talk for two weeks and it took most the day for his union chapelin and president to calm him down after we left, When we returned I felt so sorry for the newly weds when he went back to work and was escorted out of the plant for taking a slot he was not entitled to making my husband work again I arrived back home to no Bank account the house locked tight. No credit cards because my husband canceled them and my husband not able to be found except at work. I was served with a grand theft complaint as was his father who paid the entire fine and the extra amount in a check to my husband the courts decided on I was placed on my first probation And to get back in my house the union sat my husband down in the Caffeteria requiring him to just talk to me for a bit. they even tried working out a way to return my husbands time to him as well as they were going t6o cover the costs of a vacation. They had changed leadership and did not need another national censure for not making the company adhear strictly to seniority rights. Everyone was going to appease my husband over his right until The MRSA abce4ss developed in his spine. Then everyone breath a sigh of relief thinking that he was never going ton walk again or take any thing from his rights, they retired him with 34 years seniority January 2 2010. He was in rehab for three years, I was even thinking I would not have to worry about the sex promises I made and made myself sad over not getting it if I stayed true to the marriage. I star5ted thinking of the arguments and hate of the last decade and an old BF found me on Facebook I started seeing him a year before my husband came home after the Mid east vacation that I saw my husband knock his father out with a thrown bed pan yelling at us to get out of his face, he was telling us he did not care what we wanted on the 2015 trip he was going. we were thinking a trip with a cripple, its also when we heard the first time that we had already stolen three decades from him he was not going to let us take any more. When he was bought homer In 2013 with his case manager He was walking with a cane< He has no ner5ve impulse from the top of his legs down but he still came up the stairs and He told me that things were going to go his way or else. The case manager said she did not want to be in front of the anger that overrides his none abililty to walk. She said he's incredibly strong in his upper body. She also said that everyone had to be carful with him over what could anger him. Since the brain surgery in 2001 his eyes would go from hazel to steel gray when he was angry, I went out with my AP one last time The next morning when my husband trapped us those eyes were like steel daggers I told my AP not to do something to get things worse than they already were after we came in. I was hoping just to get yelled at for a while, I found the guardianship ready to sign and my bags packed and my journals copied onto disk Bu8t my AP thought a cripple with a cane he needed some humiliation for the embarrassment of catching us. He did just what I did not want he made my husband mad by sweeping his cane putting him o0n the floor Then he looked at me laughing and said How did I end up with such a pathetic human for a husband< my husband had struggle to get sat up and I was trying to push my AP out of the room when that 4 foot long 13 lbs cane flew like a spear past my face and I heard my APs scull fracture. He dropped like a stone as my husband pulled himself over beside him I tried to stop my husband but he swatted me across the room. Then drew his arm back and hit my AP in the face yelling whos pathetic now. I had to call 911 The police and ambulance arrive to keep him from hitting him again I don't know how many times he had hit him but his face was torn to pieces< They cuffed my husband and took him into custody I told exactly what happened and the called for a court order to admit my husband to a stress center. they took him in and put him in the cool off room for the night in a straight jacket, my AP was badly hurt and then fined for starting the fight on top of it. I went inb at his therapist order with his father a week later. he handed use what my husband told him about what happened the last 31 years and asked if this was some dillusion on my husbands part. His father spoke up and said He did not understand the situation. if we let my husband have a free hand in his life Other people would have been denied their needs. The doctor sent everything to Family Social services and the DA for the Abuse of an adult. His father went out to where his mother was trying to get my drugged husband to make sense and started screaming in the day room what right did he have to give the doctor information concerning the family. He said why couldn't he be a man and accept his life as it was. and leave everyone else to do as they wanted. My husbands eyes changed instantly to steel grey His father ran out the plate glass doors just to have the wheel chair my husband was using as a walker hit him in the back of his head right through the glass. I was taken home late that night. I had been looking forward to a event just to get out the last two months. with my husbands mother father and his father5s best friend. it was an invitation only dinner the next Tuesday. His father was called to go get him since I haven't a drivers permit. and he told them to shove him out the door and let him walk the 20 miles home as a character builder. His father knew that he was not dressed for the -40 below weather I was told he had arranged for them to keep my husband so we did not have to worry abut him that evening So I went to get ready leaving the door unlocked. I heard it open and close and went out to get help with a clasp to run into my steel eyed husbands chest. He had been bought home by insurance voucher. He was dripping sarcasm when he said good I haven't been out since our weeding reheaersal dinner in 1981. I will throw some clean jeans on and we will be off. he knew I was going someplace else. I told him I had promised his father I would go to this event that evening and he was not invited. He said that's to bad because now I was not invited. I started crying and got my purse out and handed him 100..
    I was begging again for him to just pick a place to meet after the event in four hours. I said we will sit down and get his grievances of three decades addressed and decide what he could be allowed under what timetable. I thought I was facing a silver back ape. He was absolutely screaming that he was never going to be dictated to about what he was allowed under his roof again and fr5om that second on he was the sole judge and arbiter of what was allowed. he was standing in front of the phone and I knew I was in a deadly spot. I took off for the door to scream for help when he ripped every stich off me< I was pleading that in his mood he could hurt me with what he was thinking of doing. He did not stop. He finished and threw me the phone. He told me to dial 911 don't clean up anything for the police, then he said lets ge6t everything in open court including the theft of my life. I just went in and stared at t5he phone I heard his fathers friend knock and demand entrance and My husband said scram meet hi9s parents wherever we were going I was not coming I was indisposed. I heard him ask his fathers friend for a badge and warrant and heard the friend say out of myt6 way crip. Then I heard your hurting me let me goo and then a scream of terror and tires screeching. My husband had thrown the man over the porch rail face first into the drive right in front of his fathers car. I was talking to his mother after that and even she slapped me over what happened the last 31 years then We had to stop my husband from pitching his father off the porch. Every holiday and vacation tradition has met with violence the last two years. People trying to back my husband down or even try and get around him with twice his father has been badly hurt once with his neck broken. when he tried to interfere Af6ter Christmas last year I don't ever think I will see ever see old friends again. I tried getting my husband to eat his meal in the pole barn the evening ended under threat of being shot with his 30 30 and him saying everyone object to him eating at his table in his home and having his food was free to leave hungry His father had a rope tight around his neck attached to the saddle of my husbands horse Most the guest that had traveled 1200 miles to see where I live now left telling me my husband was an ***. I don't think we should have even attempted the control we started in 1985. I thought it was just to slow things to a manageable way to integrate my husband into society after three and a half years mostly under water without any one angry. ITs now nothing but a total war. I am trying to understand the resentme4nt but find its more than what I can feel.

    Sun 27, Mar 2016 at 11:35pm
  • User-anonymous kapil Flag

    Really great article, i loved it. I also agree with the points here discussed. A relationship means, understanding family, friends and we should try to maintain relationships at best.

    Thu 15, Jan 2015 at 5:28am

The Listening Room

What is this?

The Listening Room is now closed until further notice. Please post your query on the Forum for peer to peer support.