A psychologist's perspective on film

Trust

Comments

1. KatieO on 05 November 2009 at 9:10am said...

   Hi, Im new to the site and didnt know where to start and this seems an appropriate place, Trust!  I need some guidance on how to move forward from my present place.

   My partner and I have been together a year and a half, I fell pregnant after we had been together for only 9 months and now have a beautiful son.  When we were first together everything was rosey we were really happy, and then unfortunately last year my partner lost his job so we quickly moved in together and although things were tough (my partner became very down and so did I) I think we coped ok. 

   Finally in May this year my partner found a new job, things were on the up for us both I thought.  However one evening he said he was going out with a friend into town for a drink (this was quite rare for him, but I thought at first he was just trying to get some space and have some fun before our son was born, when it was likely he would be in alot more).  However something didnt feel right, call it intuition I guess.  I was here alone, I cried all night as I knew that something was wrong he didnt call or text and I didn't either (maybe I was testing him?) Anyway I lay awake in bed unsure if he was coming home.  I locked the door and woke up the next morning he wasnt there, to avoid conflict thinking it must be me who is being stupid, I went straight out early in the morning worrying where he had been.  He said he had tried to come home at around 4 in the morning (I was awake until 4 and didnt hear him) and consequently went for a drive as he was locked out (hence he wasnt outside when I left in the morning around 7).  Anyway he was acting strangely and I acted on my distrust for him, checked his wallet and found a reciept for condoms.  I confronted him, although we didnt really argue he told me he had met up with an old flame and realised he made a mistake and he was sorry, he said nothing had happened with her.  I asked to see the packet, which he gave me none were used.  I'm not sure if I believed him, but I was so scared of being alone that I tried to surpress my feelings of hurt and anger.  He said he was having committment issues, and was struggling to come to terms with becoming a father.  Anyway I tried to put it behind me, which although it kept coming back (I would spend hours wondering whether he really loved me, how could anyone love you and betray you so badly when you are pregnant with there child?).  Anyway our son was born in August, and again things were tough but he was so brilliant during the birth (I had lots of complications and our son was in intensive care for a week).  I thought finally things were starting to get back on track I came home wanting to make a fresh start.  Anyway after only a couple of weeks, things changed again.  My partner was always secretive with his phone, and although when he went out I trusted he was going to see mutal friends I still had/have a lot of niggling doubts.  I checked his phone and I read sent messages to a girl, although a bit random asking why she wasnt wearning make-up to work anymore, had she been waking up late?  The last message I read went something like ' you need to move on from this, we are going around in circles...' although I probably should have read this in a positive light  ie. whatever had happened was in the past and wasnt going to be repeated why did he still text her.  Anyway suffice to say, this girl worked with him (knew I was pregnant, what sort of person could she be to do that to another women during what is suppost to be the most precious time of her life?).  Again I confronted my partner, he moved out for a week or so, he said that it was actually this girl he had seen back in June but he had told her on numerous occassions that he wasnt interested it was just lust (how those words haunt me now).  But why did he still text her?  He said he would'nt speak to her again, and has found a new job (although I am fearful it could happen again). I feel so betrayed by this.  My partner although at the time we had these issues said he loved me and he wanted to work it out.  However I keep dwelling on this and am really struggling to forget and forgive him.  He rarely shows me affection, only tells me he loves me in a text message or in reply to me.  He comes home from works sits on the computer and makes conversation every now and then.  I feel indifferent to him, like I could be anyone.  Part of me feels a bit used, I support/supported him financially gave him a home when he lost his job.  He has alot of debt, and only pays a minimal amount every month towards bills.  He has'nt spent any money on our son (except a toy when he was born) and I think he takes everything I do and me for granted.  I blame myself for letting him treat me like this as I don't have the courage to talk about how I feel for fear of arguing or him leaving me.  I just want to feel loved and cherished, yet I feel ugly and distraught pretending I'm ok in front of my him, my family and friends. I dont want people to judge me or think me weak for staying with him through all that has happened between us.  Silly things like the aftershave he wore the night he met her, he rarely wears it and now when he does it triggers my emotions.  I have seen pictures of this girl and she is very attractive, I know I'm not ugly but I keep torturing myself going back to look at them. 

   I really do love him when he is close to me, and whilst I appreciate all relationships have there up's and down's I dont know how to get past these emotions or whether I will ever be able to trust him or any other man again.  I seem ok and then it hits me like rocket and I can't sleep or eat.  What would others do to move on from this?????

2. Morwenna (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 05 November 2009 at 11:18am said...

   Dear KatieO

   I am so sorry that you are feeling distressed, you say that you feel used by your partner but can't tackle him about this for fear of losing him.  Developing a new relationship and caring for a baby at the same time is bound to be exhausting and cause heightened emotions, but it does sound as if you have had trust issues around your partner for some time now.  I wonder whether he would go to relationship counselling with you, this would enable both of you to talk honestly about how you are feeling about your relationship in a safe environment, see www.marriagecare.org.uk or www.relate.org.uk for access to counselling.  If your partner won't go with you, I wonder whether you could go on your own, at least to start with, to get helpwith feeling safe in talking honestly to your partner about your concerns.  I know you love him deeply but I do wonder what you are getting out of this relationship!  

   Could I also mention that, as a new site user, you have posted on the "Check it out" section but the "Talk it out" section (click on the icon at top of this page) is the better place to post unless you are actually commenting on an article, if you post on "Talk it out" you are likely to get far more responses from the site community.  Good luck with the way forward, I do hope your situation improves for you.

3. SusieO on 05 January 2010 at 10:27am said...

   Katie, I am so sad to hear your story but something good has come out of your relationship your wonderful baby boy.  No one can tell you what to do in these situations as only you know your relationship.  I too have got simular problems at the moment, my husband of almost 15 years has been having an affair with the receptionist from the optitians.  I found out after 5 weeks, I too knew it really and when I checked his phone bill online found he was texting a number 30-40 times a day. I rang the number and a woman answered. I asked her outright if she was having an affair with my husband and she blantantly lied on the phone. I confronted him and he admitted it. Blamed me of course, I work long hours, I don't give him any attention.  I too was supporting him financially, I set him up in a business which is not yet making money, I am taking the whole responsibility for our financials and my mum is helping us out to try and help him to make it work and this is how he repays me.

   Since I found out (about 5 weeks ago) we have talked endlessly, we have talked more than we have ever talked.  He says he wants me and our family but he is wracked with guilt and wallowing in self pity.  I let him do that out of fear of losing him.  Yesterday I decided that had to stop - I am fortunate, I have a proffessional job and can get counselling support through work which has really helped me - she asked me what I wanted and needed and why I was not making me important.  She talked to me about the fact that I wanted him not just to say he wanted to be with me (which I too did not always believe)but to demonstrate it to me do something different show me we can move on.  What I needed is for him to do something different not just talk and wallow and cry and feel guilty.  I came back from that session a stronger person, I realised I could (although I don't necessarily want to) cope on my own if I had to can put in the practicalities to support me to be a single working mother, go elsewhere for emotional support, if he won't commit to changing.

   I normally spend a long time wieghing things up, this time I did not.  I asked him to meet me and I asked him to listen to me.  I told him my needs were important, I was hurt and distrusted him but I can't cope with dealing with his guilt and his issues and he needs to take steps to do that himself otherwise I can't see a way forward for us.  I needed  for him to not just say but demonstrate that he was committed to me and that he loved me but also that he could take steps to change, get help and look to change himself.  He admitted that he has never been able to face things and has always buried his feelings.  That was a really good first step.  Today he rang relate and has an appointment tonight.  Whilst he is demonstrating that he will do things to change there is hope for us at the point he stops I know I can cope on my own as I deserve better than being a sumissive unfulfilled wife.

   The re building of trust is not going to happen overnight - it may never happen but I am willing to try if he is.  If he is not I am going to put myself and my children first.

   I hope this helps - take any support you can get to work this through.

   Good luck Katie

4. steph777 on 30 April 2010 at 11:40am said...

   Kate, im so sorry to hear what you are going through. Please know that you are no longer alone and you have been very brave for signing up to this site. You are very right to feel the way you do and dont feel guily or as if its your fault your partner has clearly broken the trust in your relationship and left you scared for both now and the future. To some extent you will be feeling un attractive thats what happens to us women when men betray our trust. I think it would help for you to talk to someone about this before it eats away at you and although you do love you partner it may turn into resent. I've been here and know what its like the thoughts, the stories that go around in your head, the images etc. Your partner needs to reassure you and to some what make amends for his mistake. You both need to talk openly about this life is for living but you cant move on when you are in pain and suffering. I am sure you guys can work this out but dont burry your head it doesnt work, you need to face up to it and what ever happens stay strong, believe in yourself, know the person you are, dont let anyone make you feel bad inside or put you down..... i know its harder said than done but try to take little steps. As for not eating you need to eat especially to keep yourself strong emotionally. I really do feel your pain and here if you want to talk  x

5. steph777 on 30 April 2010 at 12:00pm said...

   This comment has been edited by a member of the "Talk It Out" team

   Hi right now im feeling the lowest i have ever felt. I dont know where to start but talking to someone makes me feel somewhat normal and is freeing my mind of the pain and heartach.

   I've been with my partner nearly 8 years in September, the first 6 months were great, and then my partners insecurities took over.... i couldnt speak to men or wear make up. Every job i had was difficult and i had to leave some of them because i wasnt allowed to travel in the eyes of my partner. Love was blind for the first 2-4 years as i had a good up bringing i felt pity to my partner and offered him a mothering love in hope i could change him....BIG MISTAKE.

   I fell pregnaunt at 17 and was forced to have an abortion which is something i live everyday in pain and regret.My partner was then kicked out of his house and came to live with me at my mums, i made it nice and cosy and it was the little life id always dreamed of. We moved into a house at 19 and was there for a year until my partner told if was like a rope around his neck and he felt he moved out of his house too quickly. He started treated me badly and speaking to me awful. One day out of the blue i got this instinct to check this mails.... i did and he was mailing another girl making stories up and putting kisses on the emails. I was destroyed with pain i though i had the perfect life. We left there and went to live back at my mums... stupidy i begged him asking him to move back to my mums with me as i didnt want to move back alone. Life continued in the same way some happy times some bad times.

   Two years ago out the blue he told me he didnt love me, he wanted to move back home AGAIN, and that i was overpowering. This went on for two weeks, every morning he would leave early, never speak to me i didnt even know what i had done wrong. i used to drive to work on the motorway crying. Valentines i love... i arranged for gifts to be delivered to him in hope he would love me back but he didnt he mailed me with some nasty words. that was the end for me i was ready to end the realtionship and once again start all over again. Until he came home decided he did love me and he had just been depressed!!! Stupid me took him back and life has never been the same since, i am so insecure i dont love or like myself, i cant bear to think about him and work incase hes mailing other gerls at one time he was mailing his suppliers from his personal email account. Ive been in denial and went to amsterdam to get away this week wed - fri i was that insecure and un happy i paid 300 to fly back a day earlier. Im seeking help now i really need to find myself again and understand why i feel so lonley inside and why i cry a lot. im so greatful for life and its offerings and just want to be happy.

6. admin on 30 April 2010 at 2:10pm said...

   Dear Steph777,

   I was sorry to read that you are having a very painful and difficult time with your self identity, but was equally glad to read that you are now seeking professional help, perhaps from a counsellor, or your GP. Your story is definately one that many of the users of this service would like to read. Can I suggest you post your story as a new post in the Talk it Out forum so that other users may be able to offer you support and advice.

   With best wishes - Admin

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