The Sliding Scale of Happiness
How the protective factors make your relationship work and what they are
This insight explains how our feelings about our relationship affect how we behave towards each other, and describes the protective factors in relationships and how they make your relationship work.
Video synopsis:
During ups and downs in our relationship, we can feel a variety of emotions, from exstatic to distressed. At times, we can have very mixed feelings. This can be seen in the Sliding Scale of Happiness.
When we are getting on well, we tend to think, feel and behave more positively; relationship issues and problems are more likely to be sorted out through humour and negotiation. Even though situations at times can be difficult but we still cope by being supported and affectionate to each other. These factors make relationships work and help protect a relationship both from the outside elements and what's going on between the couple.
At the other end of the scale, when we are not getting on so well, we usually respond to each other in ways that make things worse rather than better and eventually leading to relationship issues. More harsh words are exchanged & after a while we become locked in a spiral with problems escalating. We can see that the couple's protective factors are lost & they are at the mercy of the outside elements. Take a moment to thinkg about your own relationship and the type of relationship advice that could help you both to protect each other.
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Anonymous on 24 September 2008 at 1:37pm said...
spot on - we have no umbrella so it looks really grim!
Anonymous on 20 November 2008 at 10:57am said...
I can't remember when we last had an umbrella either!! We don't spend any quality time together anymore - when the children go to bed, we just sit and watch the TV wordlessly. We are definitely in the downward spiral! We have lost sight of ourselves as a couple, and are just turning away from each other - there is no affection, and there are no kind words. Humour has evaporated, except when with others.
DrainedandTired on 09 December 2008 at 5:33pm said...
We hav not had an umbrella for years. We have been together for 18 years. We divorced and then tried to put things back together. We have however for the past three years barely spoken. He spends 85% of his time outside drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. The rest of his time he is at work or in Bed sleeping. I have asked him more than one to got to counseling with his daughter, with me, as a family, you name it I have approached it several ways. I am told he has not problems I am the one who needs help. I spend most of my time doing things with family that he isn't even a part of. When I ask him to do something to help us or that we should seperate he goes crazy.
Pixiponk on 18 February 2009 at 6:27pm said...
When my current relationship started we had a bubble instead of an umbrella. Rescently very harsh 'eliments' have penetrated our bubble and we are at breaking point. I want to know how to fix the bubble or create a new one in our new very scarey circumstances.
Anonymous on 09 April 2009 at 9:59am said...
We dont have an umberella anymore, im actually a little scared of him now. I dont know how to fix it at all.
Anonymous on 01 June 2009 at 2:50pm said...
We had a super happy zone where everything could fade except each other. We were so happy to be together with so many plans and dreams, he is the most romantic, sensitive man on earth and makes me melt just by looking at me. The level of stress my partner has experienced at work and with some family problems led to him become impotent. This caused him immense distress and led to him avoiding all physical contact with me. He's recently accepted redundancy from work and I believe will slowly rebuild himself. He wants no comfort or help from me which is excruciatingly painful, I feel totally lost but do see that his masculinity has been beaten to a pulp. I love him and want him to be happy again. It's the hardest thing I've ever done to stand back and let him deal with his private hell in his own way without the level of support and intervention I long to give. He's trying to protect me and salvage his pride but I can't sing or laugh any more. We need less income and a simpler life, because at the end of the day without each other, love and laughter we're very poor indeed.
mark on 23 June 2009 at 7:56pm said...
i need help i cheated on m girlfriend and i want the world to know that i am sorry and i never do anyting to hurt her i cant live wthout her
Anonymous on 04 November 2009 at 10:04am said...
My problem is that I don't want to share my umbrella. I'm too used to being let down and being on my own, despite being married, and despite my husband very very rarely letting me down and making me feel like i am on my own. I used to call myself "independent" now I just think I could end up very lonely, am already becoming that way. Lonely in my own selfish thoughts, I wish I could sort out my "space" issue - my husband once said I needed so much bloody space that he wondered at all why I chose to get married. I'd like my husband to come underneath my umbrella so that we can be protected from the storms, instead of me being the storm-creator, and for my umbrella to be stronger, it keeps turning inside out.
Anonymous on 11 November 2009 at 11:29am said...
Dear Anonymous,
I note the lovely way you have drawn on the umbrella metaphor and how it applies to your situation. You also commented that you wish you could sort out your 'space' issue; you may find it useful registering as full user of this service, (if you have not already done so) where you would get access to a totally private space in the 'Work it Out' section of this site where you could use the diary entries and other tools to record how you feel from time to time and reflect on how things progress over time. Or you could work in the couple space and open it up to your husband if you choose as a way of communicating how you feel.
With best wishes
Sedra on 16 February 2010 at 1:57pm said...
What if you have the umbrella but your partner seems hell bent on trying to overturn it? I think we could be so happy if he would just gracefully give in to things and let me apologise instead of stubbornly hanging on to his hurt feelings for weeks.
Mary (a member of the Talk It Out team) on 16 February 2010 at 6:21pm said...
Dear Sedra
Perhaps your partner would feel comfortable under a golfing umbrella, the larger the shelter the bigger the space to sort out your difficulties. I say this because sometimes a ladies umbrella is a smaller space and maybe a bit confining. Whereever you decide to try and work things out give yourselves space, time and reflect on what you both want - do you share the same values, can you negotiate so you can meet halfway? Perhaps you might like to try the Work it Out section so you can both do work privately and then maybe together. See the post just before yours, which offers similar advice. It takes time for individuals to try and change their behaviours and we all need encouragement at different times in our lives. Be gentle on yourself and each other and take at it gradually.
I wish you both well and look forward to hearing from you if you feel able to let us know how things proceed.
Anil on 06 August 2010 at 4:00pm said...
This comment has been removed by the Talk It Out Team
Anil on 06 August 2010 at 4:02pm said...
This comment has been removed by the Talk It Out Team
This comment has been edited by a member of the "Talk It Out" team