Getting on better with my partner - The trouble with you is…

To check out videos on getting on better with my partner scroll to the bottom of the page.

All couples argue – some more than others but often about similar things, for example who does what around the home; who gets to make most of the decisions; how to best bring up the children; spending too much time at work.

When things are going well for us we are less likely to argue and find ways of sorting out our problems through humour, negotiation, or just by giving in gracefully. But what about when things aren’t going so well?

When things around us are more difficult we often start to feel unhappy in our relationship and then the arguments occur. We start to respond to our partner in ways that make things worse rather than better. More harsh words and fewer kind ones; we start ‘giving as good as we get’.

Consequently we get locked into patterns of behaviour and often start thinking the worst of our partner. Often we know what we are doing isn’t helping things but it becomes a habit that’s hard to break.

Many disagreements, (in fact most of them), cannot be resolved, so compromising is often the best way forward.

Research has found that it is the way you express your feelings that is important.

Couples who manage to avoid saying every critical thought that comes into their head (and who can bring up problems gently) are consistently the happiest.

When there are potential disagreements, you're more likely to see eye to eye if you bite your lip and don't go on the attack.

At the other end of the scale, people who are anxious and bottle up their feelings don't resolve their difficulties, and can end up feeling resentful - and the 'last straw' leads them to explode in the end anyway.

Couples who are good communicators are often good at managing their differences. After all, arguing is a form of communication. Rows are often just the symptom that we feel our partner isn't supporting us, that they're not 'there for us'.

Your children and conflict

Arguments are part of family life but violent rows in front of children or that involve them are not only distressing for children to see, but over time can become damaging.

Children don't get used to seeing or hearing their parents argue, on the contrary, they become more sensitive to it and more likely to be harmed by it. Children who are exposed to severe arguing may develop emotional and behavioural problems over time. Being exposed to conflict between parents is stressful for children at any age.

When couples find a way to ‘argue better’ children can actually learn from witnessing their parents argue about some things. If parents can teach their children it is okay to disagree and still stay friends then rows doesn't have to harm. Those parents that come to a compromise and move on from disagreements are demonstrating that disagreements are just part of family life. These children will learn really valuable lessons about saying sorry and communication from their parents.

Related videos:

A couple setting up for a children's party suddenly find themselves having a big argument about money, moving house and their future together. Watch this video to see how easily an argument can escalate.

A couple try to make up after arguing. Watch this video to see how important it is to get an apology right.

Children talk about their feelings when their parents argue. Watch this video to see the impact relationships can have on children. The children featured in this video clip are giving an account of their personal experiences with full parental consent.  Adults were in supervision and were sensitive to their emotional needs during filming.  The children are drama class students and had been involved in a dramatised training video around parent conflict.

Word from the street - What do you argue about?