Becoming a parent

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Becoming a parent is a huge transition and it changes the way we live our lives. Lack of sleep and time together, extra money worries, less sex and more anxieties all put pressure on our relationships. Although help from family and friends can be a bonus it can also cause tension. So although becoming a parent is wonderful, exciting and joyful it can be hard, exhausting and stressful too. In the quotes below other couples talk about their experiences of becoming a parent.

Jane, Guildford
“You think that the best times are when everything is going well, but I felt closest to Ricky when our baby was ill, and he coped and showed me the way.”

Sarah, Newcastle
“I wanted to be home with the baby but I do miss work. I feel jealous of Steve but I wouldn’t say it. When he is late back I get really angry. I resent the fact that he has something else and he can be late.”

Lucy, Brighton
“Once we became parents everything changed; we argued like we never argued before, about trivial things really. But somehow we started to feel different about each other, like we were no longer on the same side. I was frightened things would get worse. My health visitor picked up that I was anxious and I poured it all out to her. She said many couples feel like this and it’s important to talk to each other. When I started to tell Joe how I felt he looked so relieved. We had both been bottling it up.”

Ciaran, Birmingham
"The only time we are together in the same house we are doing different things."

Steven, York
"We've lost the time we used to spend together … space to be with other people, space to breathe and do other things"

Laura, Bath
"I think when Jamie was born probably everything revolved around him, especially I think where I was concerned and I think I was so wrapped up in that that I neglected my husband."

Lacy, Hertford
"In the early weeks I was so very tired when I was breastfeeding… every three hours… sometimes I felt angry when the baby woke me up at night… I used to take it out on my partner."

Lynsey, Oxford
“Being a new mum, I’m tired a lot. Having said that, I absolutely love being a mum actually. I love being a mum and I’m lucky that he is a wonderful baby. I know everybody says that, but he is actually really good – no problem at all. He really is the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m very proud of him – I wouldn’t change him for the world.”

Ellie, Peterborough
“You do feel quite frumpy and not very attractive and all of that. Once your partner goes back to work being a mum is all you do – cooking food, doing the house, looking after the baby. And you do lose your identity because you don’t do the things that made you the person you actually are even though that person is still there of course. Then people start presuming you are the new identity!”

James, Watford
“She had the baby six months ago, and I thought it was just a phase, you know, it would pass and things would go back to the way they were before. But six months feels like a really long time - I mean we haven't had sex for longer than that cause she was pretty big at the end of the pregnancy and everything!

I'm starting to worry that I've done something wrong. Every time I come in from work she starts on at me - can I do this, can I do that - will I feed the dog, put the rubbish out change Nat's nappy and I haven't even changed my clothes or had a cup of tea. Sometimes it's fine and Em seems happy and there's moments when she's laughing at Nat doing something funny and then two seconds later it's rubbish again - and I just don't know what's changed, or what I've done.

I know we don't get enough sleep, Nat doesn't sleep through the night. He's still waking up four or five times, I do my share even though I have to go to work the next day - not that I resent it or anything - I just feel Em could maybe be a bit more, like, pleased that I'm helping and taking an interest. Instead I just feel like I'm the bad one all the time and maybe I'm a pretty shit dad, which I don't want to be - I want a different life for Nat - a life with a dad in it. I just wish some one would tell me I'm doing ok, or maybe what other dad's do - maybe cause my dad wasn't around I just don't know what one does.

What with the moods and no sex I feel really worried that she just doesn't want to be around me anymore, we don't have time to talk and she won't let my mum help out. Before the baby we talked all the time and our sex-life was good, but now - I just don't know what to do, or how to get it right.

So I feel a bit stuck really, I’ve been doing everything I can to help Em, but nothing seems to be working, I’m not angry but frustrated the way things have worked out – all I want to do is be a good dad for Nat and a good husband to Em – I don’t think I’m either of those things at the moment.”

Related videos:

Teenage parents discuss with a Health Visitor some of the problems they are having. Watch this video to see that some couples have lots of issues to deal with on top of becoming parents!

A young dad talks about other parents attitudes towards him as a young father. Watch this video to see a young father talk about some of the issues he has faced.