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Affairs and jealousy - The green eyed monster

Tags: Infidelity, cheating, affiars, jealousy, jealous, trust issues, marital affairs, marriage affiars, affair, unfaithful, being unfaithful
Categories: Affairs & Jealousy

Most of us will experience feelings of jealousy in our relationship from time to time.

Some times we can laugh them off; other times they might cause us anxiety.

Mild feelings of jealousy can be a good thing - they often remind us not to take our partner for granted - but when jealousy becomes extreme or obsessive it can ruin a relationship.

But where does jealousy stem from? Often it's linked to something in your past which has left you with a sense of insecurity. If you're insecure about your relationship and very dependent on your partner then you're likely to be jealous; it's often worth exploring where your feelings of insecurity might come from and talking honestly to your partner about them.

There are as many reasons why people have affairs but usually an affair is a sign that something needs to change.

Having an affair isn’t always about sex - but they are always about a breach of trust between you and your partner. Trust is essential in any relationship, and it's something we often take for granted, so finding out your partner has had an affair is not only very upsetting, it's often a huge shock.

If you're the one who has had an affair then you'll need to work hard at reassuring your partner they can trust you again. If it's your partner who has had the affair you may feel insecure and jealous for a long time.

But as time passes and trust is restored you'll find yourself feeling more secure and confident about your relationship. No one can tell you how long it will take or how to rebuild your relationship, or even if you should try and work it out. At first it may feel that your relationship is over, but many relationships do survive affairs and end up being stronger over time.

An affair will nearly always bring about a change in a relationship - but it doesn't always spell the end.

 

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Comments

  • User-anonymous hannah_spanna Flag

    i cant seem to get over the fact that my boyfriend visits stip clubs, and has privet lap dancees. i hate it, the thought of another women rubbing her ass on my boyfriend dick is so pain full. i believe its cheating however he thinks differ :(

    Mon 16, Apr 2012 at 11:12am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    i've been with my bf for nearly 9yrs n i find myself crying all the because i know he's not being faithful to me n yet i can't find it in me to cheat on him it's not because i won't think about it nor want to it just that at the end of the day i will hate myself for doing something like that i try getting his attention by acting as if i'm cheating on him i went as far as pretend that i like girl but it's not working when he found out as much as i told him it was a way of trying to get his attention yet he thinks that i'm lying we have a 4 yr old son which he loves but i don't think he's love for me is still there cause if it was he would not be hurting me by sleeping with other girls sometime i feel like killing myslelf which i tried before but now i have no clue what to do anymore it doesn't seem as if he's going to change n i can't just sit around n wait until he grown up as much as i love him n want a honest relationship n have a family with him i don't that's going work yet people think that we r this awesome couple yet they have no clue what's going on inside our house i'm crying ' lonely all the time as much i hate to say this but i think the best thing that could make our life better is if we go out seperate ways that way he'll be free to bone which ever girls he want n won't have to hide it n that i can be free to find someone that will love me n be there

    Fri 1, Jul 2011 at 1:13pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    Hi. My girl friend had some sexual experiences with her cousin brother. She is very honest with me and tells me everything about it. But I get insecure about it and keep asking about it some times. Would this thing do harm to our relation?

    Thu 7, Apr 2011 at 10:26am
  • User-anonymous nic23 Flag

    sorry me again but I think jealousy is to do with insecurity, I have been the same but looking back at alot of these comments i think its alot about insecurity, just remember, if he wanted 'better' as it is in your eyes, he wouldnt be with you now, give him a chance, just make sure its not your insecurities first before you start accusin xx

    Fri 22, Oct 2010 at 2:36am
  • User-anonymous nic23 Flag

    ok it chucked me off before i'd finished, perhaps it was tring to tell me somethin lol, but no, i believe if you can talk about stuff, it makes things so much better, ask yourself if you may be paranoid first but if you still feel not go ahead and ask, if you dont get anywhere with that, get a private detective lol

    Fri 22, Oct 2010 at 2:30am
  • User-anonymous nic23 Flag

    i just want to say from experiance, whatever measures you take to check up on your boy/girl friend, at the end of the day it doesnt matter cause its all about whether you trust them or not. If you feel the need to do things like this, something is not right, please talk to your partner about it rather than continue to drive yourself crazy by wondering if they are/arent. I spent a long time trying to trust my partner even tho I knew that something wasn't right, in the end I left because he was cheating, but all i'm saying is if you feel the need to not trust your partner, ask yourself if you may be being paramnoid first

    Fri 22, Oct 2010 at 2:27am
  • User-anonymous Girl_in_a_Teapot Flag

    Hi everybody,
    I've recently read this very interesting article about infidelity and I want to share it with you. It surely helped me to understand more of the issues. Here it is: http://www.guardian.co.uk/theobserver/2010/mar/07/polly-vernon-infidelity-betrayal-help-relationships

    Wed 17, Mar 2010 at 5:52pm
  • User-anonymous LadyLoops Flag

    sorry another thing is that i have an obbsetion with controlling him and telling him whcan n cant do.. hu he cn tlak ta and hu he cnt.. and im sick ov it cz i knw sumtym soon hes gunna leave me.... plz help me cn u gve me any sort ov advise on how to move the realationship forward and overcome this jealousy and controlness ova some1 i love

    Sat 29, Aug 2009 at 4:36am
  • User-anonymous LadyLoops Flag

    Erm.... hi h
    ive been with this boy for 5 years now and i ate it when hes around girls, its not that i dnt trust him.. its cz i they look better than me..
    i oftern feel fat and frumpy and he always tells me that am not buh i fink he jus says it ta shut me up..i love him alot buh i need ta get ova the jealousy.. another

    Sat 29, Aug 2009 at 4:33am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    i'v been with my girl now just over four months an i'm really suffering from a lack of trust and a bad case of jelousy. i'v known her now for over four years an we started off as really good mates an talked about are problems in are relationships at that point, we became really close an when one night we'd both had bad things happen to us with are ex's we both sat together an chatted for abit both cryed to an then we ended up sleepin together. i knew i didnt love the girl i was wit but my best friend an now girlfriend. she became pregnant an i didnt know if the baby was mine or her boyfriend's at the time, i asked her an she said there was no chance the baby was mine an kept to the story for a couple of years, i understand why and its because i was not ready for the responsability at that time in my life. i stayed wit the girl i was wit an went to jail for some time, when i was in jail my ex cheated on me an made me feel like i'v never felt before "that i couldnt trust girls", after all the promises an expectations whilst i was in jail when i found out wot she'd been doin i felt totaly crushed. then out of the blue when i got out of jail i bumped into my curent girl again and felt that feelin all over again that she was the one i wanted in my life but at this point she'd had the baby a little girl an a lil boy, we started talkin again an txting as always talkin about old times an reminising over things, she was still wit the same lad from when we first met an was gettin marryed in the september of 08, i was devostated an wanted to tell her just how i felt an that i'd grown up since we last spent time together but just couldnt bring myself to do nethin about it an only wantin her to be happy i kept my mouth shut. we carryed on chatting an txtin an as always friends forever till i got a txt over the christmas sayin her fella had beat her up an she wasnt wit him no more, fellin like i wanted to kill him i stayed calm an made sure she was ok an the kids were fine to. it got to feburary the 14th "valentines day" an she rang me askin for me to come down there was somethin we needed to talk about so i went down an she told me there was a really good chance her lil girl could be mine. since then we'v been together but i'm still jelouse when other lads speak to her or shes chattin on the internet an i went threw a stag of checkin up on her phone in the messages an readin her emails, i knew this was wrong but couldnt help it but i stopped when i seen it was pushing us apart, but i'v started again thinkin shes gonna run off wit some other lad or cheat on me when i'm not around even though she tells me i'm the only lad she loves an has only ever loved. wot should i do to get over or through this jelousy an lack of trust before it toltaly collaps's around me an she walks away through havin takin to much?

    Sun 31, May 2009 at 10:38pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    when ever im away from my boyfriend i cant help but ring him all the time i no its driving him crazy cause he tells me everyday his even got so stressed out that he has ended it with me for a through hours i no what im doing is ruining our relationship but i cant help myself i worry where he is or if his talking to girls or even drove past one and said to his mate "oh she alright" which i have never been like before i wounder if its because i left my last boyfriend for him that i worried he will leave me for someone else? he tells me im the only one he wants and loves and i do believe him but i get jealous so easy and cant accept he wants me and no one else. he used to be like this with me but now his not bothered i feel like he doesn't feel the same anymore and i no its my fault what can i do?

    Wed 27, May 2009 at 1:26am
  • Cc admin Flag

    Hi,
    Thanks for commenting on this article. Maybe you could think about going to the Talk It Out forum and starting up a new discussion, so that other people, including the Talk it Out Team, can give you some feedback.

    Sun 18, Jan 2009 at 9:26am
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    i feel the need to check womens phones when i first start dating them and things are starting to go well.
    should i be worried?

    Thu 15, Jan 2009 at 7:19pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag

    does anyone want help in confirming whether their partner is cheating?

    Fri 5, Dec 2008 at 1:32pm
  • User-anonymous Anonymous Flag
    Wed 12, Nov 2008 at 12:25pm
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