A psychologist's perspective on work

Today, work is a defining factor for both men and women. Work gives us a source of identity, satisfaction and choice. It’s also, normally, draining. Therein lies the source of present-day conflict: who’s expected to choose home life if work gets in the way? Who downshifts? Who gives whatever remaining energy, especially if neither downshifts, to domestic life? Finally, if choices are made that feel unfair - i.e., work wins for one of the partners more than the other, and if “fair” grounds remain elusive - this can eat away at couple satisfaction and mutual understanding.

For most couples the watershed is having children. At this point it is mainly women in heterosexual couples who downshift, at least for the earlier years. While men continue pursuing careers at the same pace as before. Work can then become - and it very often is - grounds for other resentments. The male partner can feel burdened by having to work (this time making up for the loss or lowering of the female’s contribution). The female may feel devalued by the loss of, and may miss, her former role. Yet if they both continue to work another dilemma of work hits: how to maintain the tasks of domestic life with harmony?

Indeed, there’s now research to support the observation that work can be very challenging to a partnership. We even speak of it in “affair” terms—e.g. “His work’s his mistress” or, work compels both interest and availability. This is most clearly seen in the realm of housework for dual career couples - both in who does it and what’s “fair.” Women, whether based at home or not, continue to do most ongoing domestic upkeep. This is what researchers call “low-schedule control tasks” - the routine, continuous ones, those over which there is little control in either timing or necessity. Some of these tasks may be intrinsically rewarding. For example cooking and childcare obviously can be very rewarding - but it’s the lack of control and choice that feels difficult and that leads to resentment when one partner assumes their bulk. It’s one of the things couples argue most about; “work”, with all its assumed virtue, reward, as well as burdens, is often behind it. Tellingly, those couples who split “low control” tasks most evenly are those who show the most commitment to the relationship and each other, suggesting empathy and give-and-take. For partners who value each other’s contributions both inside and outside the home, who take on board the importance of performing necessary domestic tasks while also employed, are building and demonstrating the appreciation and compassion that underlie relationship hardiness.

Work defines us - Freud said “love and work” make for a happy person. Everyone needs an avenue for harnessing energies productively and satisfyingly as much as they do relationships that nurture. Work is about being an individual, and couple life is about bringing those individuals together. Couples who continually feel revitalized in their relationship talk about work, in whatever domains it occurs, because it’s talking about themselves. They can share work dilemmas, and think together about boundaries around work as they keep impinging (and they will), to keep them each available to each other - and their children. Keeping conversations about all of these things alive is one of the keys, I’ve found, to happy, enduring and hardy relationships. Even when those conversations might be hard to have, particularly after a hard day’s work.

Janet Reibstein is a psychologist and Professor in the School of Psychology at the University of Exeter, and she has a private practice in London. Janet’s books include: The Best Kept Secret (2007, Bloomsbury); The Family Through Divorce (with Roger Bamber; 1997, Thorsons); Love Life (1997, Fourth Estate); Sexual Arrangements: Marriage and Affairs (1992, Heinemann). Her award-winning five-part documentary series, Love Life (broadcast in March 1997 on Channel 4) was based on her clinical work and research and earlier this year BBC Radio 4 broadcast Together Against the Odds a series of interviews highlighting factors involved in resilience and relationship success.